March 29, 2008 marked the ninth anniversary of the founding of our SOUND BITES e-mail ministry. SOUND BITES was begun on March 29, 1999 in memory of my son, Dustin (pictured to the right), on the first anniversary of his death. That means Dustin has been gone for ten years now. In some respects it seems like just yesterday, and yet it also seems like an eternity ago. Such is the nature of losing a loved one.
The death of a child is a unique loss, as the quote below reminds us. For those of you who have lost a child, you need no reminder of the impact it can have on parents, as well as other family members. For those who have never experienced this death "that is unlike any other," please be patient with and accepting of bereaved parents. They don't need your judgment over the way they are handling it. They don't need to hear "get over it." They need you to walk with them on this life-long journey of grief.
THE DEATH OF A CHILD
It is pointless to compare suffering. When pain becomes unbearable there is no longer a way to measure it. Yet, there is a loss -- a death -- that is unlike any other. This death is so unique, so unthinkable that everything in us cries out that it cannot be true. It is the death of our child. This loss involves a relationship so strong that it cannot end; a love so intense that it argues it should have been sufficient to protect the one who has died.
-- Sue Holtkamp, Ph.D., When the Bough Breaks
On this anniversary we would love to hear from you and learn how God is using SOUND BITES to minister to you, or how you use it to minister to others. Included below are some of the thoughts subscribers have shared on this anniversary.
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You're right, there is surely no pain worse than losing a child. It will be 16 years on April 13 since our daughter was killed by a hit-and-run driver. If I've been thankful for anything connected with that tragedy, it was that I had no face to attach to the person who forced her family's car off the road. But I've often wondered if he/she ever thinks about the vehicle left to roll eight times down a ravine after our daughter's seat belt ripped in two and she was thrown through the windshield. Or if that driver ever wonders about the two children growing up without a mother, who has missed their graduations, her son's wedding and the birth of two grandchildren. They have brought great joy to our lives, but the sadness over what might have been never ends. -- P. Williamson, Missouri
Our son would have been 39 on April 15. He will have been gone 9 years on June 8. Your words about loosing a child and those in the excerpt from When the Bough Breaks are the exact feelings I have. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, especially tomorrow on the anniversary of your dear Dustin's passing. Blessings. -- S. Houle, Michigan
I enjoy receiving Soundbites, and have often forwarded them on, to others as well as contributing to it myself. Just want to take this opportunity, to again express my thanks. It has helped me cope with the long term illness of my wife, and her being in a Nursing Home for the past 3 years. Separation, as well as death, can cause bereavement and loneliness. But Thank God "There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."
The old expression 'Trouble can either make you bitter or better' is so true in your case. You--with God's help have been able to turn your sorrows and the loss of your dear son Dustin into a positive, whereby you have ministered to the hurts and losses of not only the 1800 people who subscribe to Soundbites, but to the many others to whom your subscribers forward some of these bites from time to time. Only eternity will reveal what a blessing it has been.
It is so easy, when these difficult times hit us, to withdraw into our own little cocoon and shut out the outside world, but you on the other hand, have opened your heart to the world, and ministered. And I am sure that in ministering to others--you yourself have been ministered unto.
God bless you as you continue......... -- H. Nevers, Ontario, Canada.
This is all so beautiful. This year my church, in Houston, a Metropolitan Community Church, had displays of Names Projects Quilts, some were hanging in our sanctuary. The one I made hung in the sanctuary for all of the Sunday services. My son loved our church so much and his spirit was there with me. It was a beautiful and emotional weekend as I shared him with others.
I often share Sound Bites with my pastor, my dearest friend, as he is same age as my son would have been. -- W. Boyd, Texas
Soundbites frequently brings me closer to the Lord and I often share it with friends. Thank you. -- "Meantoo"
Easter blessings! We already subscribe, AND since I've forwarded your daily quotes so many times to the parish staff & school faculty, we now have a link to your Sound Bites on our Resurrection Church homepage. Your gift to us, your son lives on...'the tomb is full'...Thank you so much for this important ministry. God bless you abundantly. -- M. Becker, Wisconsin
The heart never forgets--Your loss is beyond words and still you have reached out to others in your grief and walked beside many on a journey that never ends-- Thank you! -- D. Hopkins
Thanks for the reminder of your grieving anniversary and the continued feeling of loss. I've not suffered the loss of a child, but I have sat, cried, prayed, hugged and been silent with many who have across the years. But empathy can only reach so far.
The poet's words have always rung true for me: "Of the saddest words of tongue and pen, the saddest are 'what might have been.'" We lose not only the loved one but the loss of all the dreams for their future and yours...what potential they had for a world who needs so much.
As I have said before, I appreciate the words you send each day...to think about, to remember, to ponder. As a writer, I benefit from your quotes as I am able to drop them into thoughts and words that go out to people who read devotional and education material. You are sensitive to the balance of personal, public, private and provocative thoughts.
May God continue to bless you and yours and your extended ministries. -- W. G. Reece, Nashville
The ministry that grew from your family's great loss has undoubtedly blessed more people than you will ever know. I have used your quotes many times in our church bulletin (I am the secretary), and it never fails that at least one person will come up to me and mention how a particular quote touched them or was "just what they needed" on that particular day. Some even cut them out of the bulletin and paste them on their bathroom mirror so that they can read them over and over again as they get ready for work/school/to meet the day. I've also heard of some in the congregation sending the quotes on to others that they know might need to hear them. Like ripples in a pond... your special ministry drops into my day and then flows out in so many directions to reach untold lives. Thank you for inspiring and uplifting so many of us. God bless you and your ministry. -- M. Hollen
Thank you for these words today!. My neice in Tampa, Fl. sent me one of your emails over a year ago, I've been receiving it ever since. What a blessing!
Our daughter died, suddenly, 25 yrs. ago. She had a blood clot in the lung. Had only been married a year, was 25 years old, had not been sick. My husband was a pastor and one of the most hurtful things that was said to him about 5 months after Jan's death was "I thought you'd be over this by now". A member of the congregation spoke these words. Oh, how we struggled---even with the help of the Lord, there were dark days. My husband just died last month from a battle with cancer. In going thru some files in his desk, I found writings I'd not seen before. Several typewritten pages on different days during that time, when he'd just poured his heart out to the Lord. I couldn't read anymore.
Keep up the good work in giving counsel to those who need it, not only in grief but other situations when a word of comfort and wisdom is needed. God bless you!! -- N. Tapscott, Kentucky
Soundbites has helped me journey with my Mom's last year of life. In her death I found peace as I read the inspiring words. I placed many soundbite readings in Moms celebration service. Everyone said how uplifted they felt. One particular soundbite mentioned "don't think of me as leaving, think of me as arriving" I know someday I too will be "arriving" and what a wondrous day that will be. Blessings. -- K. Schoon, Wisconsin
God bless you in your good work. I appreciate receiving these little tidbits in my email. With so much bad news and spam coming in, it is nice to have something wholesome in the midst of it all. Thank you for this ongoing ministry. -- V. Ashley, Ohio
Having lost a child, my son, I will say that you never get over it...and people need to understand that fact. I take it a moment at a time, it has been 14 years, and I still miss him as much as I did when we lost him. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that is what people need to understand, and respect. I have learned to live, love and enjoy life...but it is always tinged with the bittersweet regret of what might have been. -- J. Potter
Many thanks for the dedication you have put into SOUNDBITES. It is a great ministry in memory of Dustin. As in probably true for many on your list, I often forward the material so the readership expands. In our family we cry for each death we learn about and for each victim of war, and trust God to lead us in the paths of peace. My life has been devoted to helping people understand that every human life is sacred and Jesus' requirement that we love the enemy, return good for evil, and find nonviolent ways to deal with one another. Thanks again. -- C. Cooley, Ohio
God bless you for keeping Dustin's memory alive with this wonderful ministry. You have helped so many of us deal with the death of loved ones. With god's blessings… -- P. Seals
Time does have a way of passing very quickly and the memories of those we love and lost are always part of us… Often the bite is directly relevant to something going on in my own life; other times it inspires though, remembrance or even action. In any case, it is an oasis amid all of the myriad things that come through the emails and the daily activities. Thank you for keeping it coming, and God bless. -- G. Stuehr, Ohio
I just wanted to share some of my experience with this subject. As a NICU nurse, I have unfortunately had to see parents lose the dream they had been waiting for. My most memorable patient was Emily. She was a 23 weeker. I bonded instantly with her family and was given the honor of sharing in Emily's short 18 day life. I got to care for her 8 of those days! She taught me so much!! In her short life she was a daughter, sister, niece, a teacher to me on how to care for such a fragile patient. I went to her wake and was blown away by the number of people present. Here was the smallest of children yet she was surrounded by more love than a lot of adults I know. Her mom told me that she could not understand how people could come up to her and say "She is in a better place" when all she could feel was that a better place was in her mother's arms. I will always remember Emily and share her story every chance I get. She lives on. I am sorry for your loss and am very proud of your family for finding a way to carry on Dustin's memory in a way that touches the lives of others… -- D. Stueber, Wisconsin
Thank you so much for your inspirational holy messages. My son, Grant died… when he just turned 21 yrs. old. He had just moved out of our home and was in his second year of college… when suddenly he took his own life.. Tragic as it was, if it were not for our Faith in our Father in Heaven I don't know how I would have gotten through this crisis. Grant leaves behind 20r. old twin bothers and a 24 yr. old sister. It is comforting to read your daily scriptures because after the death of a child , you feel like you have a hole in your heart forever. What's worse is, because of the stigma attached to suicide, my family… want nothing to do with this subject. That makes it all the more painful for me , Grant's mother, for them to just write Grant off as an outcast to the family. Sorry to carry on and most of all sorry for your loss as well. This "outreach" of Soundbites is so proactive. Thank you. -- A. Kidman, California